Is there merit to this observation or is this simply another example of sports parents tending to look at a situation through the lens of their child’s interests? It’s probably a little of both.
In youth sports, parent-coaches are essential—there are simply not enough individuals (without a child on the team) who are interested in coaching. Often, the parent-coach has played the sport in high school and is knowledgeable about the game. In these instances, the coach’s child may be more skilled than others on the team, have a greater understanding of the game, and also enjoy playing (and practicing) the sport. In other words, the parent-coach’s child may deserve to play a key position on the team or receive more playing time—especially in competitive leagues.
Coaches’ kids are sometimes held to more exacting standards and may feel that other players on the team receive preferential treatment. The coach’s child may face additional pressures including potential accusations of favoritism by their teammates. Sometimes, coaches over-compensate in their treatment of their child in an effort to remove any suggestion of favoritism. In these instances it’s not uncommon for the child to retaliate verbally when the parent-coach “corrects” a skill or behavior.
Before you begin complaining about the parent-coach favoring his or her child, try to objectively observe how he treats all of the team’s players. Do the parent-coach’s strategies and schemes provide opportunities for each player to potentially succeed or are they geared to specifically benefit the coach’s child? Does the coach give everyone an opportunity in practice and employ the teaching principles discussed elsewhere in this blog?
Be honest with yourself. Is the coach’s child the best player for a position and does this child need to play for the team to compete? Is your child clearly superior to the coach’s child or are they close in ability? The latter situation may prove especially difficult as some coaches may unfortunately justify playing their son or daughter based on their investment of coaching time and effort.
Also, talk with your child and understand how he or she feels about the coach’s kid and their role on the team. Your child may believe that the coach’s kid is the best player for the position. Despite your feelings, your child may like the coach and believe that the coach is fairly treating each player on the team.
If you believe the coach’s child is receiving unjustified preferential treatment in comparison to your child and others on the team, you may want to discuss the matter with the coach. Arrange a time (other than after a game) to objectively talk about your concerns. Try to understand the coach’s philosophy and specific reasons for making his or her choices. Do not accept blatant favoritism, but understand the difficult position that a child and their parent-coach sometimes face. If you feel strongly that the “system is broken," consider becoming a youth coach to provide the experience that you believe all young athletes should enjoy!
Copyright 2009-2012 Jeffrey S. Rhoads; All Rights Reserved
57 comments:
'Tis true. Coaches kids are the top of the pyramid. I am a coach and not afraid to tell it like it is; If I am "coachen' my kid is playen"--obviously we are not out here to let some other kid get a head of ours.
I’ve coached for ten plus years and do not think that coaches kids are favored in most cases. Where there are kids that want to play I’ve allocated opportunity on a fair basis. Of course, when no one wanted to play goalie for a girls soccer team, my daughter was drafted to do the job. She never had the opportunity to decline.
I have seen it both ways. My son's baseball coach is so tough on his son that he pulls him out of games or bats him last if he is not playing up to the dad's / coach's inflated expectations. I keep the stats for the team so I know statistically speaking the kid is a good player and should be given more slack. I also keep stats for my son's football team. My son was the fullback. The coach's son was one of two tailbacks. The coach's son had 89 total yards on 89 carries for the year. One pathetic yard per carry. My son got 16 carries in 10 games. He had 136 yards.
It's hard to be the coach's kid and sometimes the parent/coach takes the path of least resistance, so that their kid doesn't act up in the middle of practice. It's embarrassing, and difficult to take the time to parent the way you do in normal situations. (I'm talking the little ones here). As this essay says, if you don't like it, try coaching yourself. Signed, first-time coach of K-2 soccer team
For the coaches who can coach without preferential treatment, I say thank you. Unfortunately, these coaches are few and far between. I hope never to have Bennett as my sons coach. As a school counselor for 2o years I can tell you what this persons children are probably like. Many of you have seen what coaches children behave like on and off the fields. Most of them feel entitled to their positions thanks to their parent coaches. They carry this attitude into other areas of their life. Most parent coaches live vicariously through their children. The parents inability to have succeed in sports themselves places a tremendous amount of stress on their children. A lot of these children have anger management issues that are more than apparent on the playing field. Why? because thanks to their parents they think that they can do and have anything they want. Parent coaches are not only setting their children up on the fields but they are setting them up to fail in life. Effective coaches teach children that they have to earn their spots on a team because in the real world none of these parents coaches are going to coach you in the MLB. And for all of you coaches to buy into the, If you don't like it, coach or get out, I would start saving for your childrens future counseling sessions.
I agree with Anonymous on 6/8/10; thank you to the coaches who do it right. When it comes to leagues that claim to be developmental, it's the job (volunteer or not) of youth coaches to provide ALL players at the younger ages with a solid foundation and teach them the game and the skills to play it. If you can't do that and not play favorites, don't coach your own kid.
My son plays on a 5 and 6 year old t-ball team and the 6(yes, six) coaches play their sons in the infield and bat at the top of the batting order every game. I am afraid my child will believe these kids are better players than him. One child is far better. The rest are equal at best but I think my child is better (let's face it is t-ball, they all can hit and none of them can catch very well). Any suggestions in this situation? This is a situation where quitting and having me play with him at home may be better than allowing him to believe he is not a good player. This is a bad solution but it is a very ugly situation.
At your son's age, I see little reason to favor one child over another. Filling the primary roles (e.g., pitcher, catcher) to make the game fun for everyone likely isn't an issue. And winning certainly isn't important at this age. Sounds like your son's coaches are too serious for this age group. Have you talked with the coaches to express your concerns and better understand their reasoning?
Even if he's batting last and playing the outfield, is your son still having fun? Can you somehow frame the situation in a positive way (i.e. a learning experience)? Unless HE has a problem with the situation, I would suggest riding the season out and finding new coaches next year. Playing ball with him at home is ALWAYS a good complement to organized sports. Good luck...
Advice from a coach of this 6u, 8u and 10u...
Approach the head coach with a positive attitude, asking what type of things your child can work on at home to play the infield more often and bat higher in the order. Be as polite as possible, and thank him for all his hard work. He won't get defensive if you do it this way. You won't have to be any more overt than that, or insinuate anything else. He will get the hint. The coach should give you some homework, and he may volunter some criteria that you might not realize is taken into account for playing time (such as practice attendance, attitude, attention spanish, hustling/effort, knowledge of situational baseball, etc).
Finding the right team and coach can make or break your season, and perhaps even change your child's desire to play the sport in the future. www.SelectAndUnite.com allows players and coaches to fill out a profile with everything they are looking for in a new team/coach or players, and then it suggests the best matches in your area to contact.
Thanks Matt for some good suggestions on how to approach talking with a "problem" coach. I also agree that parents sometimes miss the more subtle reasons why a coach may select one player over another. Still, at 5 or 6 years old, I would expect that most kids should get a mix of different positions in the field as well as in the batting order.
For the Daddyballers that must coach so their child gets the most playing time, we are on to you! We've had this situation in soccer for 2 years, and finally the town soccer club (travel) is realizing there's an issue after numerous complaints (the kid has a temper, injures other kids, fakes injuries for attention, and is one of the worst players on the team -- and actually does not even have the skills or temprament for travel soccer. It's an embarrassing situation for all, and this daddy-coach has affected two years (4 seasons) of the rest of the kids development. Thank god the league finally realizes there is an issue and is changing it next year. The whole situation was a shame. We just wish it was recognized sooner. There are others willing to coach that are positive, fair, and care about the development of all players.
Just finished an all-star season where the three coaches of the team played their sons every game, every inning - even to the detriment of the team - we lost at our first sectional playoff with the head coach's son at max pitch count and the two other coach's kids (who incidentally are not our top pitchers) coming in afterwards. Uggh. I want to know how to decline an offer for our son to be on one of the three coach's teams if recruited next season - - - can we do this and have him just be picked up by someone else? Would rather have a "worse" team but less nepotism (if it is possible).
It is true. The coaches kids play and play all the key positions whether they are good or not. Not only that, the buddies and influential freinds of the coaches get the same special treatment. I've seen it for years. If your child is atheletic he has a shot. But it is the buddy system. These coaches do want the good players and want to win but most will take a loss rather than to make a change that involves their child. I've sat in the first meeting for leauge football and the head coaches first comment was,"i will tell right now my son will be the quarterback this year." Of course you know the rest, we did't win a game. Now starting this season they have finally infiltrated the middle schools and paving the way to the High Schools with their donations,company donations, and their special club affiliations. If you haven't already, you will have to explain to your child why certain folks always get what they want. Because they start noticing as mine did when certain kids don't have to work as hard, and yours has to bust his tail. These coaches are trying to stay involve now since the kids are older, but they are struggling somewhat. If the schools catch on they will be out of there. But God is Great, and if your kid is a good athelete things could change. Also if you can keep your head there could be a silver lining. Some school coaches(not all)don't play that buddy and daddy ball game. For instance last year my son tried out for football, basketball, and baseball. Guess what? He made the team on all three sports. The league ball coaches kids didn't make the basketball team as a player, they was the score keepers. Football, the league ball coaches sons hardly touched the field. Heck they didn't even get to play in our championship game. My son through his hard work played every game. Baseball, the league ball coaches kids sit on the bench all season. My son played every game as leadoff batter and didn't sit the bench. He had the highest batting average and on base percentage on the team. He was one of the two 7th graders that got to play all season. And no I'm not the coach. Stats say 75% of kids in youth sports don't play sports after starting middle and high school. Sorry I have been so long winded but if you come across coaches that follow the buddy and daddy ball practice shop for another team before it affects you child. And just one other thing don't ever let a coach start telling your child he or she is too small, short, or needs to get bigger. My son is close to being the shortest on each team he has made. Give God all the Glory.
There are five coaches on my son's team. One of them have twin boys. All the coaches kids play backfeild positions on offence and backfield positions on defence (line backers, corner backs, safty, etc.). My son is in the top 5 regarding speed and is very physically fit, yet he is put on the line and defensive line and then told he needs to "bulk up." I think there is favoritism in junior athletics and I don't think it is just.
Can anyone provide some insight for a teenage girl who is the coach's kid?
We are in an awkward situation where our daughter is often left out by other girls because Dad is the coach and chooses not to socialize (read: drink alcohol) with the other team parents. Since he, now we, no longer go to the "drinking" parties, our daughter is not invited either, and so she is left out when the girls get together at these parent parties.
Also, at school, her friends (who all are on the team), complain and talk negatively about Coach (her Dad) in front of her, which makes her simultaneously mad, feel bad, and again, left out.
The teenage years are tough to begin with for girls (anyone seen "Mean Girls"?), but it's even tougher for the coach's kid.
"Dad" has coached this group of girls for several years now, and with much success. And, I can honestly say that daughter does not get preferential treatment / playing time, etc.
Lastly, Dad has offered to step down from coaching, but daughter does not want him to. Of course I'm biased in pointing out that he's really a great coach: tough, demanding, and wants the best for all the kids he coaches. So, for now, I keep telling daughter that "this too shall pass" and "this will make you stronger". If you have any sage advice, I'd love to hear it!
Wow. Just stumbled on this great conversation and tough question. To all you who are anonymous - true that. The coach's kid is the toughest position to play on any team. Often they are not the best player. Often they get preferential treatment. Often they get preferential yelling. Always, it's hard for coach and kid.
To the commenter from Oct 16, it sounds like there are a lot of issues here. I'm not sure how old the girls are but girls do talk, and they don't hold much back. Parent/alcohol parties with the girls there? Exclusion of people? Honest conversation? Kindness? respect for self and others? This should be the basis for any sport and any team. (it's a life skill)
Sounds like the parents need to have an honest conversation - often kids parrot what parents are saying (and how they're acting). And Dad coach needs to make a decision about whether continuing to coach is in the best interest of his family. (regardless of what daughter says - although talk about this - because kids very often tell us what they think we want to hear). Perhaps even offer to do a trial step-down. In the new environment, take a fresh look. Everyone might be grateful to have the coach back in the saddle in a season or two. (but be sure you iron out the adult issues in the interim)
My daughter is a good BB and was benched so the coach could play the daughter of the volley ball coach at the end of the season and guess what volley ball starts soon favoritism at its worst.
Speaking as a Football coach in the UK, it's very simple. All children regardless of who they are or what ability they have should be given equal opportunities to play any sport and should be allowed to try all the roles within the team. Results are not important, having fun, developing skills and learning the importance of being part of a team that wins and loses are.
My husband has been a coach for years. Basketball, softball, travel softball, and now varsity softball. Both of my daughters are very driven. The freshman made both the varsity volleyball team and the varsity basketball team. She is a starter on the basketball team with her junior sister. Both girls work very hard in the off season, averaging between 80 and 100 ASA, NSA, and USSSA softball games with the freshman putting in another 40 AAU basketball games. What do other kids do during the off season?
My freshman rolled her ankle (black and blue all the way around it) 3 weeks ago but refused to go to the doctor. She iced it, kept it up, and babied it in order to play her first game the following week. The junior once caught a line drive to the inside of her right thigh. She was back out there playing 3 innings later. It's been 4 years and she still has a lump where she was hit. They give all.
To the counselor, please don't lump ALL coaches kids into your nasty category. My girls work hard on their grades and have no sense of self entitlement. They always help when asked and are not disrespectful. I don't believe that they are in any way an exception. I know other coaches kids that are the same.
To the October 16th, as a parent coach you have to not only teach your child the skills they need to play but also the skills to survive the adversity they will face as the coach's kid. There will ALWAYS be the negative as in the previous comments. There is always going to be a kid or a parent that believes your child is only out there because your the coach. In a way that's true, you're the coach because you care enough to take the time with not only your child but a team. Of course you take special interest in your own and I'm sure you, as my husband does, work with your child on their skills year round. Most parents won't or can't do that. She will be a strong young woman as mine are becoming. She will be able to look back at all that you've done for her and be proud. Hang in there.
Coaches don't get paid much, if anything. They take a lot of crap and they sacrifice so much. Do you really think my husband wanted to miss the Michigan/Michigan State game to coach a softball game? How about missing family time every weekend and 4 nights a week for practices? Cut the coaches and their kids some slack. If you think you can do a better job than get out there and do it!
In my kid's u10 soccer team,the coach had two of his sons playing in his team.when my son would score 2 goals,he would put him in defense or bench him,while his kids played all throughout the game.this coach messed my son's head so much that 1 year later,he's playing with a different team and he's afraid to strike the ball.the damage some of these Bennets of the world do to the kids can sometimes last throughout a kid"s lifetime.
That's exactly what i'm talking about,it's a i scratch you back if you scratch mine's mentallity.nobody wants to bench a kid whose father may be coaching a different sport.that's why if you can't beat them,join them and become a coach,your kid will be better served.
Have you thought about the possibility that your girls play at a higher level because they were never benched?we are talking about kids,it's called developmental level.how is a child supposed to learn a spot if from the age of 7 to 10 he's being told he's not good enoucg and that's the reason he's not getting the same playing time as the coach's daughter or son?
Have YOU taken the time to work with him? At age 7 their skill levels are very low, they're still learning the game. I would suggest that YOU coach and I'm not being snotty here, it doesn't take much to coach at that level. Sometimes it's better to have a less experienced coach at the younger level to just teach them the love of the game.
I reread my comment and see no where in it that my husband coaches ALL of their sports. The oldest has had him the most, her skills are great but to be honest the younger one that got left behind because of her age and had to play with different coaches is actually a better athlete. They've both played for other coaches and have both sat the bench at times. More than once BECAUSE they were a coaches kid and the other coach didn't want to give them that chance.
If you want to talk about messing with their heads, how about having a parent talk to your kids coach in front of your kid about your child getting too much playing time just because her dad helps with the team? Now put yourself in my daughter's shoes. She's practiced every day with THAT team and then practices every Sunday with a travel team. She averages between 80-100 games per year. The parent that complained had a first year player in the 9th grade. Right now my kids are playing varsity basketball. They play two games a week and practice three days a week with them. They practice Saturday's with their varsity softball team, play in a softball winter league from noon to two on Sunday and then go straight to their travel team's (different) practice until 7 ( let me add that it's an hour from home).
I guess my whole point here is how hard are you willing to push your child? How much time are YOU willing to spend? How much money are you willing to spend? Our lives are centered around sports, that's what we do. From one event to the next. That's how we roll and we like it that way. My kids are happy, they make good grades, they have friends from not just their school but all over the state. It's not easy, it's definitely not always pretty but we do it....go ahead and judge...we're used to it.
In any difficult situation you need to work on the positives and pay attention. If your best assessment reveals a problem, take it to the coach and give him an opportunity to do something. If he fails, go straight to the person responsible for that coach and state your concern. But request a response, a formal one if possible...then share this with those who it may effect..be transparent. In community youth sports, if the purpose has principles all should expect and account for development over winning. And if equal opportunity isn't part of the deal....at least you know that going in. If it is...state your points. Nothing may come of it...accept possible reprucussions from the coach or program. Any program is only as good as it's leadership. Most programs spend a lot of time selling one thing, then doing quite another. They see what they want to see and ignore what they don't. I see coaches in every sport reveal their purpose in their team communications and you often have a problem when the coach thinks the reason we have youth programs is so he can coach and "have a team." Rarely and most treasured is the coach who understands "why do we have youth sports?" They understand it is not so parents can "get to coach." Youth sports is for the young players. To be given the opportunity to coach is a rare priveledge that comes with important responsibilities.
Parent Coaches and Parents...."Stand behind your kids and support them from there. If they fall back, catch them. If they fall forward, watch them pick themselves up and grow. Don't stand in front of your kids, they cannot see over or around you. They don't learn, they don't grow, and eventually they'll climb over you risking permanent damage to your relationship w/ you child." For the coach who openly expresses his goal to give his own kid advantages over the others....Reject him and work with others to create an alternative oppurtunity. You can do it. I have coached for 8 years, I'm paid to evaluate top rated high school baseball players, I am a parent of two sons (13 & 11). We have wonderful coaches but only a few get it. Most others....they are there to give their own son the advantage and restrict the development of other players who might challenge their own son now or in the future. Expose the latter by taking a responsible stand and be willing to create your own alternative. Can be very difficult to make the first move, but obsessing over it and working back-channels is just as bad. Be constructive and you can make an important difference for you community. Good Luck!
I Feel You, I HaVe taken it into my own hands with my son. Starting out and football and soccer my son. he wasn't very good starting out and I didn't complain because I knew this, but he was determined so I took time outside of practice and in the offseason to work with him myself. he is now the starting running back on his football team and the starting striker on his soccer team. the problem with coaching A Team is that there is very little to no one on one development. I think that if you want your child to be better than it is mandatory that you work with him individually.
My husband has helped coach football for the past several years. Started out as a youth coach and then went to the JV level and now is the assistant varsity defensive coach. My son and all of his classmates have had him as coach now for quite awhile. One of his biggest fears was his son. He went to him when he was asked to move up to JV and then Varsity and asked him how he felt about it. He asked him if he wanted a break from his "dad" coaching him. My sons reply was no and even his friends have always respected him in my own opinion. My son is a very smart and level headed kid. He has never played a "star" role in football. Our school is small and the guys have always been smaller in size. My son being one of the bigger kids could not play the "star position"!! He has great catching ability even, but bottom line is.. he was needed on the line and my husband being a coach knew where he needed to put him. Not once has my son complained. A couple years ago when I was out with some friends one of the girls I was with who has a son in my sons class made a comment about football. She had made the comment that my son plays because he is the coaches kid. I was thrown by this comment!! Seriously!! I looked at her and never said a word. Now.. anyone that really knows me knows that took a lot!! I have a temper and when it comes to my kids well lets face it.. we all protect our cubs. I then went to her later on and said " Lyn, do you really think my son plays more over yours because of who is dad is? Her reply was " yeah". I then said to her... have you talked to your son or his head coach (who is not my husband) about why he doesnt play as much as the others. She said "no". I told her I think it would be best before she makes a comment like that to go and discuss with her son and coaches to find out why he isnt playing. She did and her son said he didnt know why... she went to the coaches and she was told a lot of her sons problem was his attitude. When he was told to do something or how to correct a problem her sons comment back was either " I KNOW" or he would roll his eyes. Not a good way to get playing time. My son works hard not only on the field but in school as well. He doesnt get a break away from football ever being the coaches kid. He is the one that gets home from a game and the coach pops the tape in and says "come here I want to show you something"! Meanwhile all the other kids got to go home and relax. So before you judge or make comments about the coaches kid getting favored over your kid..think about that. Now I will say not all coaches are like that.. the good ones do not favor their kids if they are there to teach the kids!! I have seen it the other way too and it sucks!!! I'm sorry for those of you who have had to deal with it. My only suggestion is to put the time and effort into making your kid the best he or she can be..either that or move to another school district because those kind of coaches dont ever change!! Its sad but true!!
I'm encountering this right now and I'm angry. I hate injustice and blatant favoritism. My son paid his dues. This is his 3rd year of coach-pitch. The first two years he played the outfield or catcher, he was benched and he was at the end of the batting order. The bigger kids played infield and base positions. My son practiced his butt off this summer and he's really gotten good. His new coach put him 6 out of 12 in the batting order. He should have been 5th but the coach's kid was placed above my son. The coach also promised that he'd let everyone play infield. HA! Our first game out of 6 innings my child was benched once, put in right field and made to play catcher. There are kids that can't even catch on this team, and most have just come from T-ball and have no clue what they're doing. But guess who is in the infield? Yep, the coach's kid and the assistant coach's kids and their friends kids. All the 6 year olds. The coach's kid actually sat in the dug out the last practice and played in the dirt and refused to practice, but was rewarded with playing 1st base at the game. I'm behind angry. The two years my son was in the outfield I never said a word. I considered this him paying his dues and was sure that this year he'd get his chance! I was so wrong. The worst part is that right outfield and catcher are for the worst players and my son is devastated that he's been put in those positions when he is clearly better! I know most of you will think I'm a delusional parent and my kid sucks, but I'm not delusional. He's worked his tail off and I hate to watch him get treated like dirt.
Is it typical/ normal to have 10 kids on an 8U select baseball team and 6 of the coach's are parents (dad's)?
I just really think it is so sad that so many kids get pushed to the wayside and their talents never develop because some parent coach has decided to play favorites. It totally undermines the whole reason why sports are started at the youth level. When the coach plays into the "unfair" advantage, it doesn't teach anything positive. I think that society has become very corrupt.
I have no problem with a coach favoring his/her child. After all, the coach is volunteering his/her time. Also, I have found that the coach's kid is usually the best player on the team.
For me, the problem occurs when there is more than 1 coach for a team. The assistant coach's kids are usually not very skilled and yet they get plenty of playing time. If the goal is to compete at the highest level (i.e. not a developmental / non-competitive league sort of situation), the head coach needs to play his best players at crucial periods instead of worrying about the feelings of his fellow coaches.
To Shelley Munroe. First, you should not let your child dictate whether or not they should go to the doctor once injured. You, especially your driven child can't assess their injuries that bring about such serious symptoms as discoloration of the injured areas or inflammation. These symptoms could indicate fractures or tears that could lead to more harmful injuries in the future. You also speak about one of your children that still has a lump where she was injured. Your blog only confirms the "Parent living through the Children" attitude because you were willing to overlook the severity of those injuries for the glory of playing the game. Most competive people from junior high to high school would overlook or not be truthful about an injury, let alone go to the doctor because of the possibility of being sidelined! This may sound judgmental, but you put it out there. All parents should take off their coaching or glory hats when their children's or players' safety is a concern.
Thanks everyone for there comments here. it has really help me see that all sports have the same problem not just the sport my son is playing. My husband and I are watching closely what is said and done with our coach. We know his son and the friends are getting the best of it all but we are working one on one with our son and most of all making sure his mental health stays intact. Good vibes all the way from us and pure love to help our son grow. It's working he is confident again and knows to some degree he has to go along to get along for now. Next year we can say PISS OFF.
Bennett, you are the type who should never coach. If your son never learned that he had to earn his place, he will never go anywhere in life and it will be your fault. Moreover, you have taken the love of the game away from the rest of the players who are shut out from opportunities that they deserved. You do more harm than good.
It is definitely true. I have seen it all up the chain in little league and Babe Ruth. I have even seen one instance where a mother signed up as an assistant coach just to assure her son would play first base. That team was littered with assistance coaches and did not win one game in two years. My son sat on the bench most of the time. He almost gave up on baseball (I always made it his choice). This year, he gave it another shot in Babe Ruth. To the credit of his new coach, who plays everyone and moves all the kids around, my son gets to play baseball as equally as everyone, and he even plays in the infield. Go figure, the team is winning.
The funny thing is numbers never lie- just the coach who pretends his son is the next Babe Ruth. As the coach's son rises up to the high school level (when a team statistician keeps stats)- a player that should have never been placed on a team is found out. His own talent or lack of it exposes him and his father. It is also the place where the little league dad has to stop at the fence- he is no longer a coach (yippee!) and he can no longer rig things to help his son.
Usually this is where the story ends and it's a real sad ending for the kid- because he has been taught (falsely) that he is better than anyone else and his dad will always be there to vouch for him. He can vouch all he wants from the bleachers- but the numbers don't lie. In all my years of youth baseball I never, not once, saw a coaches kid that didn't make the all star travel team. So, I looked very much forward to the day the dad/coach had to stop at the fence and watch the inevitable meltdown. Call it poetic justice, but it sure is a sight to see- when this coach is seen in the bleachers trying to answer away all his wasted years on the field with his below average baseball player. Politics and youth sports- it sickens me to the core.
When I volunteer in my son's classroom, if one of our coaches' children need assistance with reading/math/whatever, I happily spend extra time with them to help them succeed. I don't play "mommyball" and only give attention to my son (or his friends, or my best friend's kids). I don't say "if you don't like it volunteer yourself!" Hmmm. Might need to rethink my strategy???
I think all coaches of sports from K-12 should not be a parent period. Same with teachers if you can help it. I think these posts have proved that even when a parent-coach, however fair and good he/she may be, there are still problems lingering. And problems for the PARENTS! Little does anyone on here mention the problems that it may have for the kid. I only say this because my Dad coached from as young as I could remember and was an assistant through my highschool years. Here were my beliefs especially entering 10th grade as I believed highschool is a time to try to make a name for yourself, see what you're made of, etc.: "My Dad must not think I'm good enough to make the team, that's why he's coaching." "I'm well aware of sports and politics and I hate the idea, I want to know without a doubt if I was good enough for the team, if it was fair, that I deserved to be a part of the team, but I'll never truly know" "Did I really make the team or is it because my Dad is a part of the system and knows the coaches?" "I want to quit but I can't because my Dad is a part of the system." "I don't want to hurt my Dad's feelings if I told him that I wish he didn't coach." "I'll never know if I was truly good enough to make the team." "I want to keep to myself as I don't want to deal with the stigma of being the coach's kid." "Nothing besides sports seems to matter." "I will just get by in school as the only thing that seems to have any weight for my parents is sports." "I am depressed and have no one to talk to as I don't want to upset my parents." "I'll pretend that it doesn't bother me and behave in a way that shows my parents that I am happy." "I'll pretend how I feel and what I say to other people out of respect for my PARENTS." "I literal have no one to talk to about how I truly feel.. in fact, I don't even know how I feel anymore."
I think this is what can happen to some kids when parents and coaches stress sports as the ALL HOLY GRAIL to success in life, and the kids are to ignorant to follow the fact that over 99.999% of athletes can't make a living shooting hoops in the driveway after they turn 18. It makes you wonder about that vicarious living through your kid thing, Competitive parenting for the benefit of the parents agenda or ego, living through your kid vicariously, boasting about how great your kid is, look what I as a parent have done, I don't know just some thoughts to consider as the world seems to be about: status, competition, and narcissism. I'm not a parent and probably never will be but I will say that as a kid, apparently even in highschool, I wanted to make my parents proud and happy - my efforts were at my own detriment but I didn't know any better. Rarely did I believe it was about impressing myself, I always looked and tend to still look to impress outward (very illusionary) Anyway hope this helps somebody.
Thankful for everything my parents have done for me as I understand just for my struggles in just providing for myself in this world are challenging enough, let alone how I could tend to others seems like it would be a miracle for me.
I believe that a kids mental and emotional health today and in the future are going to be critically important and many of today's infants and young kids are already have to deal with so much social media/LED screen in your face 24/7 BS it's rediculous.
As one had posted up earlier about counseling sessions... Here's me, late twenties, major depression hospitalized three separate times, very much in debt student loans and medical bills, no wife/gf, no home/apt, no fulfilling career - and nobody's fault but mine and my reactions and living in silence and ignorance
Seems to work until the kid gets in a school team where daddy cant be there on the field. The kid fails and it is funny to watch. The once crazy selfish coach has to stand at the fence and keep his mouth shut. In the mean time, the kid's grades were crap because the dad and mom told him he was a star and goonf to thr NFL.
My son is in his third year of Pee Wee football, and he has had to go above and beyond to earn his position each year. He started as a six year old, and he was awarded most improved player. Last year, when the quarterback quit in the middle of a game, by son was asked to step up to the position. He ended up earning offensive player of the year that came with a huge speech from the coach about how well he had done for the team. I paid $500 to send him to camp to improve with his position this past summer, and this year, under the same coach that sang his praises last year, he does not even touch the field during offense. The coach's son is now the quarterback. No try outs - He was just given the position. Furthermore, the coach asked my son to play the position the first two games while his own son's broken arm was healing, and he did. We won both games. Today, my son stood on the sidelines during offense while the coach's kid had at least 8 fumbles and several episodes of getting sacked. No change. I don't want to be one of those parents, but I want to do the right thing by my child, too. When is not saying anything a bad thing. At what point should a parent defend her child. My advice is to be very careful in choosing the adults that you let have access to your child. In good ways and bad, they do help shape their beliefs in their own abilities.
I stumbled across this and just had to comment. I'm in the UK. My son has played rugby for a team from age 5. Same coaches same players. Three coaches play the boys at prime positions centre flanker and scrum half. They get the game time they get the flexibility and they also get the plaudits. However they are groomed into there positions and not the best by any stretch. When it cam to county trials or trailing for a place in a regional squad, guess what! Didn't get a look in. So my point was proved. My son loves playing and is good. He's not going to be the next Dan Carter but he's good. He has had to battle to get on the field as his position at the moment is the same as one of the coaches sons and he knows what he's up against. If I were to do it all again I would do one thing differently. Don't go to a club where the coaches have sons/daughters in the squad or have a family member in the squad. It's too late for my son as he's been there for nearly ten years so he won't go elsewhere. But I coach him to look for the next opportunity and hope he gets a tap on the shoulder outside of the club. Never give up basically. But I'm sorry whatever you do you will never beat the coach and son relationship. After all what incentive would there be. My advice if you find yourself in the same position , be bold like I should have been and find a different club. At your easiest opportunity and don't go to a club where the dads coach a child in the same squad. I wish I had have done it when I had the chance. But we live and learn. My boy will continue to play and battle and fight and push for his deserved success whatever that might be. And that's all I can ask. In the meantime I will encourage him to enjoy his sport and take opportunities, as there are coaches out there who might just spot him. Good luck to you all and positive reinforcement will help you and your child get through challenging situations in sport.
This statement is what is wrong with parent coaches. My son is by far the best on the team, but I don't give him more play time are this stage in their development (age 7). The only justifiable reason that the coach's kids should play more at older ages is if they are truly a superior player. If your coaching just so your kid can play more, please quit.
Our son, now nine, has played baseball and basketball for w. We've seen coaches who want to offer all kids a chance to try positions that interest them. We've also seen coaches who focus on playing the best players at key positions, whether or not those are their own kids. Finally, we've seen coaches who seem to favor (and push) their own mediocre kids. I guess, unsurprisingly, it is a variety of situations, and it seems to reflect on the character and judgment of the parent/coach.
As for trying to coach, coaching positions in some leagues near us are coveted by parents and seem to be available only to "insiders".
I've been asked to coach rec league basketball because I've got a background in football. I coached several years at middle school level and my last 2 at high school level. I quit when my kids started school as I felt it would take too much time away from them. We had our 1st practice tonight. We are a 5-7 year old team. My son is the only 7 year old and was the leading league scorer last year (I didn't Coach his team). I have my kid, who is far more advanced, and 6 others that can't dribble, shoot, catch, etc. I don't know what to do. We had an open portion where the kids could just rebound and have some fun. My son dribbled left, right, behind his back, through his legs and literally demolished these kids while playing 6 vs 1. I can clearly see where this is going...I WILL get called out for nepotism but not a single pass was made tonight that was even caught. Do I ask my son to give the ball up knowing it's leading to a turnover? I talked to the league director about moving up to the 10 year old league but that will leave my team with literally nothing. My kids would get absolutely embarrassed. I can't imagine they would legitimately score a basket. I want to work to develop these other boys, but what is my son to do? He will learn nothing because we will be working on stringing together consecutive dribbles. I am looking for any advice. I don't want anyone to think my son is being made to be a superstar, but he would literally have no help in making games competitive. My thought is to sit him out a quarter the 1st few games and let the other parents see how bad it could be. I just feel like I'm in a no win situation.
My daughter has experienced the nepotism for 2 years. She is a good player and a positive teammate, but the coach's kid plays significantly more. I could understand the discrepancy in play time if the coach's daughter was a better player. She's not. Furthermore, when the coach'so daughter makes an error, she blames a teammate. My daughter got pushed to a lower team now, but the coach's daughter is still on the A team and probably always will be no matter how she plays or how she acts. The upside is that my daughter isn't on her team anymore.
Part 1 - I’ve coached my son's U12 (house) soccer team for the last 5 years. When he expressed interest 5 years ago, there was no one to coach his team, so I thought, "I’ll coach even though I've NEVER played soccer." I took a bunch of soccer courses, watched a zillion youtube videos on soccer and immersed myself in the "Footy" culture. It has been a long 5 years as my boy was not the best of soccer players, in fact, he was terrible. He was one of the worst on the team, until this season. He’s grown into his body, ASKED to be a part of two different soccer academies (different practice nights) and lives, breathes and eats the sport. When I get home and he has spare time he'd rather work on shooting or dribbling rather than playing video games. He is now one of my better players on the team and loves the game. For the past 5 years I have played all my players equally. All kids that have come through my team have learned to be backs, mids and strikers. Now I'm an elitist at heart. I believe when the game is on the line, our best players will carry us through to victory. The conflict I have is that I coach a house team and until a short while ago, I've never had to worry about my kid being a star player. Until a short time ago, I've been a coach that has been faithful to "fairplay." My problem now is that I have the ability to give my kid the chance to win a game. And on a few occasions he has. I have the ability to let him control a game. And in a few occasions he has. My moral compass is now wavering. On top of that, when I hold a practice and must modify the drills for the weaker players, I cringe. I never did that before when my child was the weaker player, but I do now. I can't help but think, "Man, instead of playing Minecraft that kid should be kicking a soccer ball against the wall working on ball control. Or juggling, why wasn't he juggling?” I will add this point before I am jumped on in regard to that last comment. All 3 of my boys play soccer. I, like the rest of you, work full-time and so does my wife, so I get it. Time is hard to come by most days. Until this year, I would never have thought to play my child more than others. I would have scolded any coach outright for doing so. But now with my son setting a goal, being committed to a sport and wanting to be a part of something better, I find that I am questioning my morals as a coach. I will admit, if I let him play more it allows our team to possess the ball more. And possession is king. Will the technical director catch a glimpse of him if he stays on for that extra shift? Maybe. I don't know the answer to that. I do know that I want the best for my child. I understand we all want the best for our children. I do too. Is it terrible to actually do that though? As a coach, is it terrible in a house league game to keep your better players on for that extra 5 minutes so you can win? The idea of creating a good memory instead of one of anguish seems like a better move to me.
Part 2 - So as I've read the comments on this forum over and over again, called up other coaches for advice, and googled the topic endlessly, I'll close with this. The role of the parent-coach is extremely hard. I took the volunteer job “blindly” 5 years ago because there was no one else and my little guy wanted to play. I love my son. And I will do anything for him. My moral compass as a coach tells me that everyone should get equal playing time and fairplay is the right thing to do. But, at the end of the day, my child is the one that has expressed interest, gone the extra mile, worked hard, become a better player, can carry the team, is a positive influence on/off the pitch AND is my child. To all of you parents that have stared blankly into your coffee lost in thought or have felt guilty for playing your child (if they are truly better than the rest) more than the rest, you are not alone in your thoughts. Not even close. I know next time when you look at your starting roster or are in the dying seconds of the game you will make the right decision, even if it doesn't feel like it. At the end of the day, we always choose our children first.
As someone who has coached all three of his boys for the last 10 years, I never had unrealistic expectations for my boys. My middle son was a baseball monster, while my oldest was just average. My youngest just enjoys the game and loves having me coach him.
But what gets me in this day and age, is how hard it is to get dads to step up and coach a little league rec team. Look, we're all busy but aren't our kids our priority? Back when I was growing up, it was almost expected that you would coach your kid in some capacity. We were turning away dads left and right because we had too many parents wanting to coach. But now, we have to plead and beg for coaches.
Why is that?
Does coaching have that bad of a rap that it's now a no-deal for parents?
I get it, that some people just shouldn't be coaches for whatever reason (no skills, no patience, etc). But it's not that hard to wrangle a bunch of kids, especially under-13.
Just my two cents.
It is a shame that youth sports has come to this. None of my coaches from Little League to College had a son on the team. Never heard any complaints about playing time. Now that is the hot topic. The problem is finding those qualified individuals who have the time to put in, but don't have horse in the race. We are involved in a situation where the coaches son has the talent to play. It is the son's friends who are not and have gotten the positions and playing time. It is hard to see your son go through this, because he is not part of the coaches son's friend group.
Its difficult to watch three coaches daughters shift pitching, catching and first base and count the errors. While my daughter is a first baseman with far less errors and gets thrown in the outfield. more difficult is that the arrogance/entitlement attitude. two of these girls are a foot shorter than my daughter and don't have the reach. this is a U12 team. further frustration mounts when my daughter's attendance to practice is flawless as well.
This happens all the time. Now, my son has played QB for the past 3 years in a City Football League, and he has recently enrolled in a Church Football League. He is a tall child for his age. During sign up we were stopped by someone and said, "Hey is he playing" Upon hearing "Yes" he called one of the coaches and said to sign him in the draft for Lineman. This irritated me from the start, but I said I would give it a shot and not say anything. So along comes the first practice. There he is on the Line while the coach has 2 others playing the position of QB. One, the coaches son is the shortest on the team and cant see over the line. He also can't throw more than 15 feet. The other, another good friend's son (first time playing football). Again has no idea of what he is doing. Meanwhile, my son with 3 years experience is playing line. This is more than obvious favoritism. This happens more times than Not. What should a parent say or do without causing conflict. And before you start, Im not saying that my son should play QB, but when he has the experience and there are others on the team that you can see are far better at the position something needs to be done.
The "I'm coachin, so my kid is playin" comment is cringing! You'd better be undefeated, have a child that us more competitive and athletic than ANY OTHER, and scheme the whole team. With that said, I believe (in football anyway) the coach's kid is best at QB for the simple fact that there's only an X amount of "legal" practice hours per week...and with a kid playing QB you can get around this rule. Again, he'd better be a great fit, but even as nearly equal it's beneficial to have unlimited time to "coach" the QB. For the record, I'm a parent/ assisstant coach and my son plays FB, is good, and hits well (head coach's son plays QB) and my only complaint is that my son has ran the ball 2 times in 2 games (due to QB dives taking up the middle runs...wth?). All in all though, I feel my son has earned his spot as starting FB through compliance, respect, enthusiasm, and hard work in practice.
The coach definitely takes advantage. My kid plaus football and barely plays. The coaches kid who isn't even one of the top 5 players on the team plays on "every" single play. These are 10 year old kids. It's not fair. Being a competition level bodybuiler for 30 years now makes me excited for the day my kid to turn 12 so he can start lifting with me and since its a single sport all the work is up to him and if he wins or loses its all on him.
The coach definitely takes advantage. My kid plaus football and barely plays. The coaches kid who isn't even one of the top 5 players on the team plays on "every" single play. These are 10 year old kids. It's not fair. Being a competition level bodybuiler for 30 years now makes me excited for the day my kid to turn 12 so he can start lifting with me and since its a single sport all the work is up to him and if he wins or loses its all on him.
My husband & I are so frustrated with our team because there are 5 coaches & everyone of their kids play the in field & none of them sit out. We even hired a coach so there wouldn't be any favoritism but the other 5 daddies/coaches are still involved & of course have some influence on the real coaches decisions... it's so aggravating. It's been this way at every league for the past 3 years.
The article references that a given, the coaches child is better, i'd beg to differ, in our area, if it were 50/50 might be a fair statement , but i;ve seen that other kids with equal ability ere snubbed, Played a lot of ball, know good and not so good players and parent coaches, the root of most conflicts
WOW!! I'm glad I came across this blog and sad all at the same time. Here I thought dad and I were alone in all of this. My 11 yr old plays little league. Although this is his first time playing spring ball he seems to have a natural way of it and plays pretty decently. He LOVES the sport and LOVES to play! Started out playing Fall Ball and had a great time, even though that coach had his kid in the team, he NEVER favored his kid over the rest. He was very fair and just. But for the first time we are experiencing this "Daddy Ball" crap and let me tell you it SUX!! This coach's kid ALWAYS bats AND pitches first, and Asst. Coach's kid ALWAYS second. After that, the coach's kid's buddies. BUT they all ALWAYS play EVERY game EVERY inning. The coach's kid is a poor sport, bad tempered, throws tantrums when he misses, or someone on his own team makes mistakes, cries on the field throws hat or glove down and stomps on it and overall makes his WHOLE team look like sore losers. Coach doesn't call him out or benches him, instead rewards him with continuous playing. Coach doesn't rotate or play them all fairly. My son, always goes to all the practices and he gets benched for it. Is dying to play but coaches always have some crappy excuse not to put him in. But his kid NEVER sees the bench. Coach has his favorites. We've played 8 games so far, and have won only 2..... both times, my kid was playing. AGAIN I'm not saying my kid is the best by any means, all I'm saying is that the treatment is HORRIBLY unfair. He's a decent player, and we feel the staff isn't giving him the opportunity to learn more and help his team. Bad thing is I feel if we say something my kid will suffer for it. Funny thing is the coach's name is Bennett!!! Wonder if its the same guy. I guess he really does think his kid will play MLB one day, although with his attitude he might be seeing the inside of the locker room showers if at all. Sad......
Here's my two cents, as a coach of my son in multiple sports for 4 years now. I played division 1 football and basketball, and he and I have played football/basketball/baseball since he could hold the ball lol. I play all the kids that pay attention and focus and want to play, provided their effort is high offensively AND defensively. The kids that have skill gaps I play just as much, however not in crucial positions towards the end of close games. To this point he has been my strongest player, but I have several that have played with us for years that are exceptional players. The challenge comes in when parents want their kid at first base or point guard, but have not taken the time to teach their child how to play the sport. I can only so so much in the time I have, and can't spend full practices with one child to teach them how to play the spot their parents want them to. If your child (at least on my teams) works hard and focuses he will play. If he or she doesn't, they won't play as much. My son to this point has been the strongest player, but I think it's due to the time invested in building his skills. I guess I've been lucky that parents haven't had any issues with playing time so far, but I can definitely see how horrible it would be to see someone less talented played ahead of the more talented child. In my opinion that's not fair for the team, and teaches the wrong message. Sports isn't all inclusive, in that talent and skill and attitude earns play g time and the high profile positions. Anyone who doesn't play kids based on what's best for the team isn't teaching the value of team sports to them.
What a great topic! I have coached my son's football and baseball and soccer teams every year (age 5 to age 9 and counting) and so far, he has been exceptional in his ability. I am harder on him if he's not being supportive, or focused, but he has been the strongest player so far. What's interesting is that I have alot of parents that come with us year after year, and as their kids develop you really see the kids that are hungry to play and improve, and the ones that are only out there because the parents want them to play. I give every kid during practice the chance to play every position, and by the time games start I have a meeting with the parents and lay out the positions I think each kid will be best at. The crazy part is when I don't put my son at crucial spots they get on me about it lol. I think it's about developing their skillset, keeping it fun, and fostering a love for sports and for the team above everything else.
To the parents, I would suggest if you want your kid to play more or be taught a certain position say something. I love when parents have that level of involvement, but just make sure you put the one on one time in with your child if their skillset isn't in alignment with the spot you want them in ( i.e. cant catch but you want them at first base).
Post a Comment